[phone ringing]
Honey.
Hmm?
Honey, honey, honey.
McQuade.
Yeah. Put him on.
Not tonight.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.
[dramatic music]
He's what?
Sweet mother of God.
His name is Josh Greenberg.
Last week, he tried to kiss a girl he works with named Rosa.
She turned him down. Now he wants to text her.
What does the text say?
"You up? Wanna hang?"
I know. His finger's on the button.
Christ. Is he drunk?
They always are.
Your show, McQuade.
Josh!
My name is Lieutenant McQuade. I just want to talk.
Well, I'm all done talking, man!
I know you're in a bad spot. But use your head.
It's 2:00 a.m. on a Saturday.
How do you think this is gonna play out?
Rosa's gonna read that text as a booty call
and think you're creepy.
Hey! Don't come any closer!
I'll send it. I swear to God I'll send it.
Okay, okay, okay! You're in control, brother.
You're in control.
Snipers in position.
[suspenseful music]
We got a clear shot.
No.
Hold your fire.
Let me try something.
I put down mine. You want to put down yours?
No way, man!
That's... that's fine. That's okay.
I'm just gonna come a little bit closer so we can talk.
I think you and me might have got off on the wrong foot.
How 'bout we start over, huh?
You went to North Evanston High, right?
Yeah.
I've got a couple buddies from there.
Go, Wolverines!
Yeah, go, Wolverines.
Good! Now we're talking. This is good.
You like sports, Josh?
What?
I like sports.
Football, basketball.
I played some back in college. I even thought about going pro.
But my problem was, I was just never...
fast enough!
No!
♪ ♪
[both grunting]
No!
[cell phone blips]
- Yeah. - [sighs]
I guess I probably shouldn't have sent that text, huh?
[downtempo electronic music]
♪ ♪
Ah!
♪ ♪
[squeaks]
♪ ♪
[growls]
♪ ♪
Synced and corrected by OussLP - www.addic7ed.com
[exhales sharply]
Rosa the Riveter!
Top of the morning to you!
Did you happen to receive the group text
I sent over the weekend or...
Oh. Um.
So "You up? Wanna hang?" was a group text?
Yeah, yeah, no, I was merely asking
the group I was texting if they were up
for attending a hockey game this weekend.
Oh, see, I thought I was the only recipient...
Who else is in the group?
Uh, Mike, my friend Mike.
Oh! Your friend Mike.
You know Mike?
Well, yeah, I met him at the food truck, remember?
- Oh. Yeah. - Yeah.
So Mike's going to the hockey game?
Y-Yeah.
Okay, I mean, I enjoy hockey.
Oh, good.
- Yeah! - Yeah.
That sounds fun. Thanks for organizing this!
- Jesus, all right. - So sweet.
Cool, thanks.
Dude, I'm psyched Rosa's coming.
Yeah, this is, uh... this will be good.
Hey, you guys!
Both: Hey!
Hey, Rosa, nice to see you again.
It's nice to see you too. What's up, Josh?
Hey, hey.
- Uh - Oh! Check it out!
No way!
Yeah, what are the odds, right?
I mean, everyone walking in is wearing that jersey, so...
Josh, take our picture!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got to get this on the 'Gram.
- ♪Twins! - Yes, hashtag, and...
Yay. Awesome!
Here you go.
- Damn, we look hot. Mm. - Oh, my God.
Sexy. Oh, yeah, send that one to me.
Okay. Oh, yeah, what's your number?
Oh, it's, um, 847...
- 555... - Mmhmm?
0169.
[laughs]
They said you could pick whatever number you want
at the store.
I love that!
What have you been up to, dude?
Oh, this and that, staying busy.
- Oh, he's got them. - Yeah, I got them.
- He's got the tickets. - All right!
[crowd roaring]
[buzzer blares]
Rosa, hey!
I call middle seat!
Rosa! Rosa!
I call middle seat!
- Oh, pardon me, sir. - Jesus.
- Yeah! - Sorry. Okay.
I'm trying to... All right.
Yeah, I know, just...
Sorry. I know. I'm sorry.
This might sound stupid, but every time I watch hockey,
I think of Casey Jones.
- From the Ninja Turtles? - Yeah!
Me too, dude!
I totally had a nine-year-old boner for April O'Neil.
I had an eight-year-old boner for Raphael,
because he's cool but rude!
[laughs]
Pizza!
What?
Pi... the Ninja Turtles love pizza, remember?
They ate pizza.
Oh, yeah, right, right, totally.
- They ate pizza. - Totally. Totally.
Now it's time for the Kiss Cam!
Whoo!
Oh, my gosh! Oh!
Crowd: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Oh, my gosh!
- I guess we have to. - Yeah.
You don't have to. You don't have to.
Both: Mwah.
[buzzer blares]
Crazy.
Hey! You guys remember Thundercats?
That was another cartoon that existed.
Now it's time for the Kiss Cam!
- Uh-uh. - What? Again?
Crowd: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Oh, my gosh!
Oh, for [bleep] sake, what?
I guess we have to.
- [laughs] - No.
[crowd cheering]
[buzzer blares]
Wow. Ooh, nice lips too.
- Thanks! - Hey, will you move?
- I'm sorry? - Can I... can I sit here?
I'm having... uh... I need... can't see the, uh...
Can I... can I switch seat... Yeah?
- Oh, all right. - Thank you. Thank you.
- Sorry. - No, you're welcome.
- Hey. - All right.
Okay!
- Good game. - Yeah.
Once again, it's time for the Kiss Cam!
Again?
It's like... it's like, my God, man, like, mix it up.
Crowd: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
I'm sick of this bit.
How did they do that?
It's a conspiracy!
- Well, I guess we have to! - You don't!
Crowd: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
[buzzer blares]
[crowd cheering]
Mm. Mm.
[laughs] Whoo!
Whoo. [laughs]
[groans]
I think... I don't feel so good.
I think I'm gonna split.
- Oh, no. - What, really?
Yeah, I got to... got to... uh, yep.
I think you guys should just stay put.
- What are you talking about? - Stay put.
No, I'm not, uh... Yeah, you guys do your thing.
- All right. - No, no, it's fine. It's fine.
- What are you doing? - I guess I'll sit here again.
Now it's time for the Lonely Cam!
[crowd cheering]
Are you f... Really, man? What is that?
I think you're supposed to masturbate and cry.
I'm supposed to what?
Crowd: Masturbate and cry! Masturbate and cry!
Guess you have to.
[buzzer blares]
It's, like, yet another mission
where I have to take some guy's barrel for him
from one part of the city to another part of the city.
Mm-hmm.
It's just like, I bought that game because
I want to be an assassin, not a barrel courier.
You know what I mean?
What's up? Yeah, totally.
No, I... I'm sorry.
I've been meaning to talk to you about something.
Oh, yeah, what, uh, what... what's up?
It's, uh... it's about Rosa.
Ah, Rosa, yes.
What... what about Rosa?
We've been kind of hanging out.
- Mm-kay. - And nothing has happened yet.
- Uh-huh. - Whatsoever, um.
But I think there's something really special between us.
What? Amazing!
That's so neat. Are you sure, though?
Just 'cause Rosa's very particular...
- I'm sure. - Yeah, wicked.
I know you used to have a thing for her, and, um,
before we get any further, just wanted to check
to make sure that you're cool with it.
Aw, Mike, Michael!
I... I appreciate that, but yeah.
I'm cool with it.
Really?
Absolutely!
Okay, Josh, but honestly, if you are not cool with it,
just say so, and I'll nip the whole thing in the bud.
Mi-i-i-i-i-ke!
I'm cool with it, man. I really am.
I'm cool with it.
[cool jazz music]
♪ ♪
♪ So you guys like each other and you want to date ♪
♪ Well, I'm not upset ♪
♪ In fact, I think that's great ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm cool with it ♪
Women: ♪ He's cool with it ♪
♪ Totally cool with it ♪
Women: ♪ Yeah, he's cool with it ♪
♪ Now I bet you think I'm jealous ♪
♪ Well, that's something I'm above ♪
♪ I'm psyched that my best friend ♪
♪ Is with the girl that I... ♪
Know from work and consider a friend.
Women: ♪ He's cool with it ♪
I'm... I'm really happy for you guys.
Women: ♪ Totally cool with it ♪
♪ I'm cool with it ♪
[rimshot]
You believe me now?
Totally! Thanks, man!
Got to get the oysters.
I read online that they are
the best in the city.
- Okay, oysters it is. - Yeah, kind of a big...
[drumroll]
All right. [clears throat]
Oh, my God.
[cool jazz music]
Ah!
♪ ♪
♪ I see you two are out for a romantic night ♪
♪ While I'll be going home now ♪
♪ To watch some "Seinfelds" alone ♪
♪ But I'm cool with it ♪
Women: ♪ He's cool with it ♪
♪ Have a wonderful time ♪
Women: ♪ Make it the night of your lives ♪
♪ It's cool ♪
Thanks, man.
Thanks, Josh.
Good stuff, girls. Okay, let's get out of here.
No, I never really knew my biological father.
- Was that hard for you? - Of course!
I can't imagine. I mean, my dad was...
♪ I'm so cool with it, it's like I'm made of ice ♪
♪ Have you guys had sex yet? I don't care ♪
Women: ♪ He's cool with it ♪
♪ But have you, though? ♪
Women: ♪ Not that it matters ♪
- ♪ He's cool ♪ - Have you, though?
We're in the middle of something.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, understood. Sorry.
- Thanks. - Yep, sorry.
All right, listen, okay, that was a disaster.
I want nice, tight snaps.
My mom is awesome.
Snaps you can eat off of.
[snoring]
[wheels squeaking]
[cool jazz music]
Ah! [sighs]
♪ Here's a little bit of a hypothetical ♪
♪ What if I were to say that I'm no longer cool with it? ♪
Women: ♪ Just throwing it out there ♪
Not that that's actually how I feel, but if...
women: ♪ Would you stop dating? ♪
No.
I mean, we're kind of a thing now.
Yeah! Yeah, no, that's... that's...
Yeah, that's what I thought, okay.
- Cool. - Cool.
- Well, good night! - Good night, man.
[whispering] All right, come on, this way.
Mr. Cranky Pants is not a showbiz fan.
- It's 3:00 in the morning! - Okay, come on.
[grumbling] Jesus.
Knock, knock. Sorry, uh...
The door... the door, um, is it locked from the outside?
Does someone lock you in every night?
No!
'Cause we're having a hell of a time opening...
Just push it! Push it. It's a door.
- Is it a push-and-lift? - I'm so tired, man!
- Push-and-lift? - I don't know!
- Okay, fine. - It's a door.
I'm tired, please.
You know, you [bleep] live here, so...
You've been in here a million times.
I live here. Jesus Christ, man.
So is it... is it a push-and-lift?
Come on!
Did, um... did Mike send you that Evite that he made
for Rosa's birthday party with the...
with the Ninja Turtles?
It was so cute.
Yeah, yeah, he sent it to me. I received it.
You gonna go?
Ah, meh, I don't know.
Really?
What do you want? They're a couple.
They're, like, actually a couple now.
And, uh,
I know I'm supposed to be cool with it, but, uh,
yeah, it's hard... it's hard for me to be around them.
Yeah, no, totally. I get that.
- Can I give you some advice? - Oh, shit.
Yeah, do it.
The only way you're gonna get over Rosa
is to try to find someone new.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
[bass music thumping]
It was so, so, so fun.
And then, on the drive home, we found a dude
selling fireworks on the side of the road.
I bought the biggest one.
It's called the Teddy Blows-evelt.
Gonna set it off at midnight to celebrate this little cutie.
Wow, Mike, this is a really...
this is a really awesome party.
- This is a really awesome lady. - Babe!
Hey, baby.
What's up, party people?
Oh, good, you made it.
Actually, we made it.
[dramatic musical sting]
Liz, meet my new girlfriend, Bosa.
Bosa? Nice to meet you.
[guttural groan]
[chuckles]
[laughs] Isn't she great?
[softly] Yeah.
- Let's go get a drink. - Yeah, you got it.
- Yeah. - Stay put.
Don't eat any garbage.
- Okay, Josh... - Yes?
Doesn't Bosa remind you of someone?
Huh. Uh, Dame Angelina Jolie?
- She looks a lot like Rosa. - She looks nothing like Rosa.
- Josh! - Dr. Orloff?
Your Rosa clone is malfunctioning.
I tried to create what you asked.
But she's a monster.
I'm so sorry.
- Josh! - Yeah?
- Really? - What?
Okay, I know you're stuck on Rosa,
but cloning her is not the solution.
I am not stuck on Rosa.
That's always been my type: brown hair, brown eyes,
genetic sequence AAAAAGCTGCCCTAAAA.
Look, the point is, we're really happy.
[labored breathing]
Kill...
me.
Shit.
No, no, no, no. No, no, oop, oh, okay, no, no.
- No, no, no. - [snarling]
- Yield! - [snarls]
Yield!
Can I get a whiskey, please?
Hold up! Yo! Listen up, everybody.
I just want to say something real quick.
And I am not just saying this because it's her birthday.
But, Rosa, you are the kindest,
smartest, funniest, sexiest babe
I have ever met.
Crowd: Aww!
So here's to my little Choo-Choo
from your big ol' loose caboose.
Happy birthday, Rosa.
All: Happy birthday, Rosa!
Happy birthday.
[moaning]
Whoa, Josh, Josh!
[slurring] Wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa.
[clattering on glass]
Everybody!
Today is also my girlfriend's birthday!
Bosa!
She was born this morning in a centrifuge!
And she loves me, and I love her,
and everybody loves her.
So from... to my... to my, uh,
hoppy, floppy bunny rabbit
from... from your chunky little carrot man,
happy birthday, Bosa!
[all mumbling] Happy birthday, Bosa.
Kill me.
There's a lot to love about Bosa,
and I don't just mean her pretty face or her giant hand.
And... and... and I'll tell you
the thing I like about her the most:
she's definitely not the kind of person
that would go out with your best friend
after giving you every indication
that she wanted to kiss you.
All right. Good speech, bro.
Thanks, bro! Radical!
Catch a wave, dude!
Hey, Josh! It's not cool, man.
Oh, really, was it not? Was it not cool?
Was it not cool? Well, I'll tell you something.
What you guys are doing isn't cool either.
We asked, and you said you were cool with it.
What was I supposed to say?
I'm leaving.
Bosa!
Oh my God! She's got a firework!
She's got a what?
The Teddy Blows-Evelt. Get down!
[firework explodes]
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Good night, sweet clone.
- I'm so sorry, Josh. - Ah, it's okay.
She really hated being alive.
Yeah.
So long, Bosa X.
Bosa X?
Oh, yeah, she's the one you met.
The, uh... the rest of them didn't really work out so good.
Yikes.
So, uh, what's gonna happen with you and Mike and Rosa?
I don't know; they're still pretty angry at me,
which I understand.
My behavior was less than perfect.
Yeah, they'll get over it.
And guess what. So will you.
What about me?
Ah! Dr. Orloff.
I will never get over my crimes against God and nature.
I put shame upon myself and all of science.
Why did you do it if you hate it so much?
For money. Word of advice.
Do not send your kids to private schools.
Yeah. Yeah.
Listen, guys, let's... let's go get a beer.
- That's a good idea. - Yeah. I'll pay.
I'm not having beer right now.
I'm on this low-carb thing.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
Well, I'm sure they can, yeah, find something for you.
Yeah, we'll... yeah.
Thanks, guys. You really are my best friends.
♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪
♪ And never brought tae mind ♪
♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪
♪ And auld lang syne ♪
♪ For auld lang syne, my jo ♪
♪ For auld lang syne ♪
I... I can't afford this!
I thought you guys were non-union.
We're in Actors' Equity.
You're all Equity?
If one of us is Equity, then it's an Equity production,
and we're all owed Equity compensation.
Even the drummer?
All he did was play one beat over and over again.
I don't make the rules, daddy-o.
[rimshot]